In moments of sleep deprivation, I always seem to reflect on my life... which always leads to me writing something that no one else cares to read, yet I write on regardless. Tonight just happens to be one of those nights. So, to my non-existent reader out there, enjoy my ramblings:
Life is built on constant change; yet, I'm one who hates change. The majority of the big changes I have faced in my life have not been handled too well. In the end, after days/weeks/months of groaning, complaining and moping, I always end up satisfied with the results of change. If the world revolved around me and my wants and certain changes were not made, I see how my life and the lives of those that I love dearly would be deeply effected: My sisters would not be married to their amazing husbands, my parents would be stuck in a miserable church situation, my dad's ministry would not have grown to what it is today which is impacting the lives of thousands, and someone I care for deeply would be stuck in a miserable relationship. WOW, being selfish is well... SELFISH!
Now looking forward in my life, I see that change is soon(ish) to take place. Graduation is 10 months away, and the kiddie-coaster of my life will take a 97 degree drop down 418 feet, include countless loops, and reach speeds of over 128 mph (for those interested to know, that description included info from roller coasters with highest degree descent angle, longest drop, and highest speeds reached) causing ultimate fear, thrill, screams, laughter, tears, and definitely major wind-blown hair. Yes, my easy-going ride is about to change big time.
I love where God has me in life now, I can't imagine leaving it all behind in just a few short months. While at times this whole college thing has not been the easiest ride in the kiddie park, it has always been a fun one. There have been twists and turns along the way that I haven't expected (are you ready for me to be done with the roller coaster analogy yet?) but all in all I've enjoyed my time. Especially with staying in Dayton this summer, this feels like home to me. I have always had a fear of being 'one of those students' who graduates and never leaves Dayton, but I actually can understand why many students do settle down here.
Back to life changes. My least favorite question that EVERYONE seems to be asking me these days is "So, what are your plans after you graduate?" If anyone sticks around long enough to hear me answer this question more than once, they'll realize I never give the same response to this answer. Why? Because I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do when I graduate! Coming to Bryan I had one goal: Get a degree in Music Technology in order to move on to become rockin'-awesome music producer. After Freshman year, that plan changed. God sent me the direction of Music Ministry. Mainly because it had the classes I was very interested in taking, but each day I grow a stronger passion for leading musical worship. When I stop and think about it though, I wonder, "Do I really want to do this the rest of my life?" Then I realize... the thought of doing ANYTHING for the rest of my life is terrifying!
Yes, I know, statistics show that many people end up not working in their field of study AND often make at least one major career change post-graduations. Even with knowing that fact it is still a crazy thought to know I am just months away from jumping into the world of craziness that I have been more than happy to not take part in.
In my own selfish world, I would remain a slacker who spends her days hanging out with awesome roommates and friends chatting about the latest campus drama. I would continue enjoying my dreams as just dreams, because the thought of reaching for those dreams only to find out that I'm too short to reach them (shocker!) is just too devastating.
At some point in my selfish world, God gives me a reality check. My dreams HAVE been coming true. God has reached my dreams for me, while I've sat idly waiting like an ungrateful, spoiled child. I am about to be the first one in my family to graduate with a 4 year degree. I was given the opportunity to travel Europe with some amazing friends. God gave me an awesome ministry to work in where I get to use my talents for him. I am taking lessons from one of the top ranked piano instructors out there. I am happy where I am in life because my dreams ARE coming true... so why am I so scared for those dreams to fade as new ones come along? Because I'm human and have weak faith. Awesome part? God thankfully takes these opportunities to show me how awesome He is.
With that said, am I still clueless about what's ahead. Duh! Am I still reluctant of the change I'm about to face? Who isn't? Am I still terrified? Slightly. Is God in control? Thankfully!
"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven... He has made everything beautiful in His time..." Ecclesiastes 3:1&11a
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